How I Am Living

How I Am Living.

It’s the title of a friend’s Facebook photo album.

It shows photos of her new apartment.

But the words themselves – holy cow. To express it explicitly: How I Am Living.

Not just thinking about it, talking about it, even writing about it.

Actions speak louder than words, right?

So here goes. How I Am Living right now…

Appreciating this life I get to live. The time even to jot down these thoughts.

Enjoying the company of my sweet, earnest beagle.

Thanking the genius who created the remote-controlled, rotating space heater.

Seeking a better blend of BEing and DOing.

Resolving guilty feelings over not volunteering nor donating as much as I could.

Contemplating the value I place on “rightness” – what if not being right doesn’t mean being “wrong?”

Doing my best to Dance Through Life…

…with Love, Truth, and Possibility.

How Are You Living?

A Job is Allowed to be Joyful

An international student wrote this phrase in an essay describing his personal philosophy of corporate social responsibility – when corporations embrace the triple bottom line of people, planet, and profits. While his overall paper was stellar (he got an A), this particular phrase stopped me from reading further:

A Job Is Allowed to be Joyful.

One might categorize such a statement as naive – "he’s still a student, wait til he gets out in the “real world!” etc. – But perhaps it's more akin to "out of the mouths of babes." This philosophy directly contradicts most of the conversations I hear -- and have -- about work. Most of those conversations involve the dreaded “gotta” aspect:

I’ve gotta do this…
I’ve gotta take it on…
I’ve gotta travel…
I’ve gotta put up with it…
I’ve gotta keep going…

What’s left unsaid: “…Even though I don’t want to… or else I’ll lose this job.”

What’s worse, most of these conversations are also counterbalanced with “Can’t” conversations

I can’t ask for that…
I can’t do that…
I can’t suggest that…
I can’t not…

I don’t know the Latin roots for “Gotta” and “Can’t,” but I suspect their psychological roots are tied to Responsibility and Obligation. And in my view, Obligation is inevitably linked to Desperation and its cousins, Frustration and Disappointment. And it’s all centered in Fear.

So we "gotta" work and we "can't" whatever, and I think these are especially powerful because most of us still define ourselves by the work we do.

What happens if I am not just my work any longer? What happens if I “fail” at my work because I stopped "gotta-ing"? Does that by extension mean I’m a failure at being me?

How much do"gotta-ing" and "can't-ing" eliminate the potential for work to be joyful?

Whenever we invoke “Gotta,” it implies we don’t have a choice. But in fact, we are choosing – we are choosing to do what we “gotta,” and we are refusing to do what we “can’t,” all based on beliefs we hold and assumptions we are making, most of which are based in fear of rejection or reprisal.

The healthier substitution for "Gotta" is "Get To," as in, "Today I get to teach, go to a meeting, do performance reviews, check my email, etc." But how often do we view our work as an endless series of opportunities?

I am not saying that work is all sunshine and lollipops. Work doesn’t have to be – nor seldom is it – all easy, all fun, or even all satisfying. It can be taxing, infuriating, frustrating and yes, disappointing. I'm sure you could add more adjectives to this list yourself. I’ve even experienced work that I considered to be “soul-killing.”

Psychologist and author Charlotte Kasl says one’s success depends upon how we interpret a situation, and how we choose to react to it. We have choices. We label (interpret) our work, and then we assign meaning accordingly. So why not choose to find Joy in some aspects of our work?

Granted, how we might receive that joy isn't universal. Exec coach, educator and author Vance Caesar has a great question he asks about people and their relationship to work: “Are you getting as much as you’re giving?”

He means not just "getting" in a monetary sense, but in any of the ways that work can fulfill our needs. For social interaction. Prestige. Power. Challenge. Problem-Solving. Independence. Camaraderie. Whatever floats your particular boat. (If you're not sure, Edgar Schein has a fantastic list of job "must haves" in his Career Anchors self-assessment ).

Whenever we work, we enter into a transaction. In Managementspeak, those would be the “inputs.” We agree to give energy, attention, effort, brainpower, physical labor, time, etc. Our inputs are transformed into outputs, and in exchange, we receive… well, each of us may be motivated by different aspects of our work, but generally it means we receive income, gainful employment, possibly benefits, and all the rest that goes with it.

The key, according to Caesar, is to make sure the transaction is acceptably profitable to us. We have to maintain our own balance sheet, and that empowers us to make our own choices.

So, who came up with the urban legend that work has to be grueling, unsatisfying, nose-to-the-grindstone, just marking-time-until-retirement? That suggests we’re all just eking out barely enough to keep going, that what we get is all we’re entitled to, and however paltry, we’d better satisfied, “or else” -- perish the thought.

Fear can keep us in jobs we do not love. Fear can keep us tolerating unhealthy workplaces, dysfunctional work relationships, and doing soul-killing work. I have always been an advocate for "dancing with your whole self free" -- discovering your life purpose, finding the work that makes your soul sing, and reveling in the joy of it all.

And along comes an insightful and gifted student with wisdom beyond his years, with his completely fresh perspective. I am not advocating that people stay in jobs that are wrong for them, but I am also challenging the idea of job as 8-hour Torture Chamber.

Indeed, if a Job is Allowed to be Joyful, then on whom does the responsibility for our satisfaction ultimately fall?

What do you think?

I Don’t Care if Sarah Palin Has a Mustache.

I don’t care if Sarah Palin has a mustache.

I don’t even care if the GOP gave her a $150,000 makeover because she was Not Ready For Prime Time (though I love the irony, given how Tina Fey’s successful lampoon has once again resurrected SNL).

I don’t care what Obama’s middle name is (although I do think that assigning him a religious affiliation because of his name is as silly as saying that Tiger Woods must be an animal carved from mahogany).

I don’t care if John McCain left his wife for a younger, prettier, richer, addicted version.

I don’t care if Joe Biden is mouthy.

The realm of mindless news used to be limited to celebrity gossip. But this is the Presidential election, and arguably this century's most important yet.

What counts is policies and positions, but even these are secondary to Courage, Character and Integrity. The real, authentic, down-deep stuff. The stuff of LEADERSHIP.

We’re living in a world where families who may already have been living paycheck-to-paycheck are now dangerously close to being turned out into the street. The recurrent refrain in earnings calls is not IF jobs will be lost, but how many. Well-intended bail-outs and incentive checks are being stored for a rainy day (whether that’s right or wrong is a subject for another day).

For now, we need to be able to hang on, toughen up, and deal with the mess we’re in.

In two weeks, we need to pick the leader who we believe is the best qualified to help us do that.

And that has really nothing to do with the candidates’ choice of greenery, or dress size, or whether they have a tattoo or color their hair.

Our country and the world are in crisis; Nobel-winning economists are regularly making comparisons to The Great Depression.

I only wonder if they have mustaches.

Backhausdance - Shift

My friend Jenny Backhaus is one of the most amazing choreographers I've ever seen - and I've seen a fair amount of dance, good and bad (and danced a fair amount myself - mostly bad. Speaking of which, my apologies to everyone who ever sat thru a concert where I danced. I lacked perspective at the time).

Last Friday, Jenny's company, Backhausdance, had its premiere at the John Anson Ford Theatre in LA. It was a great crowd and a wonderful program. The center piece, "Shift - Sink/Push/March/Float," is described as: "...a dance in four sections exploring our desire to lift and support each other, both physically and emotionally."

The pas de deux (couple's dance) in the "Push" section literally made me weep.

I find that in so many p-d-d's, the dancers feign cheerful, unabated adoration for one another, or engage in exaggerated romantic pursuits (boy chases girl, girl chases boy, they end up happily ever after, usually with some supported pirouettes). In other, "darker" pieces, the tone may be more somber, yet the mechanics are essentially the same.

In "Push," the relationship is... complex.
The featured dancers, Andrea Brache and William Lu, performed amazing acts of physicality and grace, but more than that, they achieved an extraordinary level of connection as they continuously intertwined to Zoe Keating's rich and languorous score. There were no sequins or flashy costumes; in fact, their simple clothes were flesh-colored, as if to reinforce the naked humanity underlying the piece (the other dancers, who performed in the other 3 sections of "Shift" also were costumed in a muted color palette).

In "Push," the relationship is... real.

This was not a happy-happy, hand-holding-and-skipping-to-the-joys-of-life-and-love piece. No showboating common in conventional p-d-d's ("you do some fouettes, then I'll do a bunch of piros, then we'll each do big jumps, criss-crossing the stage"). Those are fun and lighthearted, but they are fantasy.

Here, Andrea and William danced individually yet continually in relationship to one another. It was so bittersweet to watch the dancers interact -- even dancing as a single unit, there was a sense of their individuality. Connection, disconnection, reconnection, opposition and synchrony.

In "Push," the relationship is... honest.
At points, one physically supported the other, tenderly cradling their head or making it possible for them to continue (including the girl carrying the boy in a prolonged lift). At points the choreography made me think of disassociation - of supporting out of obligation rather from intentional choice - but reciprocity and re-engagement always re-emerged.

For me, "Push" so completely captures our dance through life. There are times we stand alone, yet we are never really alone. At times, we have to prop one another up. Occasionally we're the one who's leaning more heavily, and sometimes we are dragging (pushing?) the other to keep (them or ourselves) going. And sometimes, we have to let go entirely, believing there is someone who will to catch us when we fall.

C's Get Degrees... - Part 2

I shared my story about the student who didn't believe in overexerting himself with a friend who's had a pretty phenomenal career. His response -- "C's may get degrees, but A's get the raise!"

Cool, true, and poetic. See why he's such a success? ;-)

"C's Get Degrees"

I teach part-time at 2 universities. Last semester, I overheard a student in my class say to another, "Don't sweat it -- C's get degrees."

As someone who's admittedly a bit competitive and carries around some deeply ingrained opinions about "settling" when it comes to work and one's work performance, this statement outraged me.

My answer was, "C's may get degrees, but in the work world, C's don't get you promotions." Zing1

I've congratulated myself on being so pithy and self-righteous, but when I've subsequently shared this story with others, I've only gotten the "wow, you were right/what a slacker/way to set 'em straight!" response about 50% of the time.

One of my closest friends -- who happens to have a pretty incredible work ethic himself -- said, "Well, it's true, and it is efficient. Why push for the "A" when the "B" or "C" gets you the same degree when you graduate?"

Okay, so what say you? Should we be pushing ourselves, or being more efficient?

A Thank You Note to My Dogs

Thank you for choosing me.

Thank you for patiently waiting for me, and always showing me how happy you were just about my very existence. Whether I was gone 5 hours or 5 minutes, you always were my Happy Greeting Committee. Welcome back! It’s so great to see you! Life is so much better with you in it. Secondary was always, Hey, did you happen to bring me a treat? Can I smell your breath and see what you ate while you were away from me?

Thank you for listening to me, even when I was giving commands that didn’t make sense to you.

Thank you for always welcoming my belly rub or ear massage. Unlike the cats, you never got up and walked away, shunning my expressions of affection, and you certainly never bit me to show your displeasure.

Thank you for tolerating my amateurish attempts at performing Reiki to heal you. Who knows if it helped or not?

Thank you for eating hundreds of pounds of disgusting dry kibble, and then leaving such convenient little poop packages on the lawn, where they could be easily retrieved and disposed of.

Thank you for always coming running when I called your name.

Thank you for listening to me sing silly make-up songs to you and never judging whether I had talent for either singing or creating lyrics.

Thank you for climbing into my lap and demonstrating what true love, trust, and devotion feel like.

Thank you for allowing me to laugh at you when the groomer made terrible judgment calls with your haircuts.

Thank you for understanding the meaning of the word “ride,” and jumping into the car so you could be harnessed yet again.

Thank you for not digging up my flowers, and for tolerating without complaint when you lived outside in those years when I was young and clueless, or lived with only a measly concrete patio in the years when I was not-so-young and yet still clueless.

Thank you for barking with pure joy when you ran in the park, along the grass, at the beach, at the birds, at the rabbits, or to greet other dogs.

Thanks for keeping me truthful when I told other dog-walkers that you were friendly.

Thank you for curling up with me in bed and for not ripping out my throat while I slept, which I realize you were capable of and chose not to do, every single night.

Thank you for giving me so many funny stories to tell others, allowing me to be better company when socializing.

Thank you for barking ceaselessly and bravely defending me against the possum, squirrels, coyote, delivery people, and other unwelcome intruders.

Thank you for being my model of personal integrity.

Thank you for howling with joy.

Thank you for being my hound, yet always your own dog, every day.

Ain't it Interesting?

They say the things that most bother us about other people also happen to be the things we like least about ourselves (whether we know it or not).

I used to get irritated everytime I asked my friend what he thought about a topic (a news story, rising gas prices, presidential candidate, the return of Battlestar Galactica, etc.) and he'd reply: "I don't know, I'll have to think about it." Seldom would he ever say what he really thought.

I used to get irritated. Recently I realized that my default reaction is "Interesting," and I say it dozens of times in a day.

"Interesting" is neutral, unoffensive, and just descriptive enough. It's the equivalent of the conversationally polite "fine" we say when someone asks how we are. It's a well-accepted social convention, but if someone really wants to know how we are, then "fine" usually doesn't begin to cover it.

In and of itself, "Interesting" is a fine statement, but I'm starting to recognize my tendency to abuse it. I say it to mask my surprise. I say it when I don't have another response ready. I say it when I don't know how others might judge my comments. I say it when I'm too rushed (or lazy) to access my emotions and identify what I'm really feeling.

And some things are so much more than just "interesting." There are aspects of life that are fascinating, wonderful, amazing. And others aren't very interesting at all.

So I'm going on an "Interesting" diet, to see if I can increase the precision of my communication (and maybe my vocabulary will get a kick-start, too).

If you're aware of your own "conversational defaults" and their impact, feel free to share them!

Here we go!

Hello. I'll be posting here primarily on work-related topics, including leadership, effective interpersonal communications, and personal authenticity.

I believe it's important to be consistent in how we show up at work and how we are in the 'rest' of our lives, so I'll also likely post on things I consider cool and fun, such as Nia (the amazing mind-body health & wellness modality), creativity, inspirational books and music, and the like.

Here's to the adventure ahead...